The Cross On Jesus' Back

For years after college I worked in the printing field, I ran presses, bindery equipment, managed a small printing company and used my graphic experience to support my family. Many would have thought that I was successful. I thought God had forsaken me.

I knew God was providing for me. I realized that I had talents and skills in what I was doing, yet I felt that there was so much more. that I was intended for. I wanted to serve God as I did during the five summers in a Christian youth camp. I desired to be used from the bible knowledge I learned from college. Yet I knew that I was not the greatest Christian, I had imperfections, Sins, and a host of skeletons in my closet. I suppose I was not worthy to Serve Him.

Have you ever been through a time of suffering and cried out with the Psalmist: “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:1-3).

That was David’s experience hiding out in desert caves from the jealous rage of King Saul and his armies were. And it was my experience as a young man. Let me tell you my story. I pray that God will use it to bring you comfort, understanding, and renewed trust in the goodness of God (even when your circumstances and feelings tell you that God is not being good to you).

I Cried on the Inside

Every mistake I made was harshly criticized. I found that many harassed me for the sheer reason that I was a Christian, I was joyful, and I didn't hide the fact of who I was and what made me happy.   They ganged up on me at certain work places and I felt persecuted for being a Christian. They talked dirty to make me uncomfortable. They cussed at me. They laughed at me.

I tried to be strong. I worked my hardest to do everything right and to be a good Christian witness. But they got the best of me. I felt I didn't belong.

I Wanted to Quit

I desperately wanted to quit — the money wasn’t worth it! Every day I prayed for God’s help and it seemed that all I got back was the message that he had plans for me and to have patience to endure.

I kept crying out to God and became active in my church. Starting a children church program gave me great joy and purpose, yet I still was getting the same depressing answer. Wait!

I became more and more depressed. It was a loooong battle between me and God. There were many angry prayers. I started to apply for jobs that were out of the printing field. Years went by and my cries became mere whimpers from a long losing battle of wanting my own way.

I do give God the glory and praise for being so patient with me. I was a "whiner" Although I had failed him time and time again His word did not come back void. He would continue His work in my life in spite of my self.

Where was God? I felt so alone, so empty, so hungry, so depressed. It was during this time that i tried to follow his commands. I tithed, was active in church, before long my financial situation had become in the black. Yet still I heard nothing from God. So I thought.

My Dark Night of the Soul

I didn't’t understand it at the time, but I had experienced my first “Dark Night of the Soul.”

God had withdrawn from me the felt sense of his presence. All I could do was cry out to God with David: “How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). I prayed and prayed, but I was not experiencing God’s blessings. The spiritual disciplines that used to bring me a feeling of God’s love, joy, and peace left me flat and empty. There seemed to be no spiritual light at the end of my dark tunnel.

 

The Call that Changed Everything

Shortly after this was when I received a phone call from a person I never met. He had told me that he knew about me from a mutual friend. He must have heard a lot about me for the way he approached me he had touched many areas of my life. He said. “ There is a printing company that is in need of a manager. This company was located next to the second largest fresh water lake in the world. It is two hours by car from the largest game preserve in the world. Would I consider the position?”

Being an avid hunter and sportsman this opportunity sounded to good to be true. My experience in the past told me that when something sounds to good to be true it usually is. So with great speculation I asked him. “Where is this great opportunity?” His response “Tanzania” Not being the greatest in geography my first thought was South America. I stood corrected. It was East Africa. The conversation took little more than ten minutes yet it was one that would change the course of my life. I stood corrected yet again. When something sounds to good to be true and Gods in it, rest in the fact that God is good and true.

We spoke with the mission responsible for sending missionaries to Tanzania for this work. We told our church about the opportunity and began a prayer vigil. Step by step we investigated the possibility of answering this call. The fact that God had been preparing me for years in the printing field, and infusing me with all the information that was needed for this ministry, I could see that his hand had been on my life all the time. For years I prayed that God would work in my life. I had always wanted to do something else. It was not until I had become faithful and responsible with the little things that he could work greater things in my life.

The Attacks Of Satan

I longed for such an opportunity like this. But Satan is ready to take everything from us. I was filled with this tremendous Guilt and unworthiness. I remembered all my sins and short comings. I was not a Missionary. God must have picked the wrong person. Maybe he is just testing me.

A Gift Of Grace

Suddenly, God gave me a gift of grace: I had a vision. (Now you need to know that having a vision or special experience of God’s grace does not mean that you’re a better or more mature Christian than someone who doesn’t. If there’s any correlation it’d be the reverse: those who are less mature in their relationship with Christ may need extraordinary revelations while the more mature are fine with only God’s still, small voice.)

I was driving to work when in the windshield I saw many small black children running across in front of me. They were smiling and laughing as they circled my truck. They joined hands as if to enclose me with in the group. For the first time in my life I felt unworthy and unable to be a missionary. But I was telling myself that I had to go.

Jesus Picked Me!

Then a man stepped out in the middle of the children and reached out his hand. It was Jesus. He stopped when he came to me and he pointed at me! He picked me up like a sack of potatoes.

Than a crowd formed. People started to insult Jesus. They spit at him, yelled at him, and beat him.  And still he carried me. I realized that Jesus Christ, the Holy One, the Son of God, was taking onto himself the persecution and pain that I had experienced. And he was paying the price for my failures and sins too. He picked me! He would carry ME!

I was the Cross!

I suddenly realized that I was the cross on Jesus’ back. He carried me all the way to this new land that would be our home for three years. Now I knew that he would also carry me into the presence of God.

Grace. I experienced the grace of God in Christ and it set me free of all the pressure I’d been putting on myself to perform for God.

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Thank you!

Ron

Ronald Bender- President/CEO Bender Consulting.~http://www.benderbytes.net/bender_consult